To The Next Step

Motivation

2011-08-17T21:10:00.002-06:00

Sometimes there's a desire to move on or change the way things are, but there's no motivation. I am currently at that point. I have the desire to start working out again, to stop drinking so much, to quit smoking.. but I have no motivation. I have a list of reasons why each of these things are important to my life, but apparently the reasons are not as compelling as the being lazy, being drunk, or nicotine. I actually don't really want to give up drinking. I just want to be a more productive person and spend less money.

So, I'm searching for motivation. Motivation to change the things I dislike about myself.

Wish me luck.

Hmm.

2011-08-11T02:43:00.002-06:00

So, today I was checking out my Blogger profile after deciding to follow a friend's new blog. I completely forgot about this blog. (I have ADD, I swear.)

I'm almost 22. I looked at the list of goals I made to complete before I turned 21 and I laughed.

1. Get in to University
2. Finish a song. Like complete.. music, lyrics, everything.
3. Go Skydiving/bungee jumping
4. Lose 40 pounds
5. Get my License
6. Read a book a week. I miss reading.
7. Get to the point when I can just go jogging
8. Learn to make cheesecake
9. Pay off my credit cards
10. Learn to snowboard
11. Learn to play guitar (in a non-failtastic way)
12. Go on a road trip.

Let's see. I'm now almost 22.. I've dropped out of University, I've given up writing in exchange for drinking. I haven't gone skydiving, although I climbed a mountain, which sort of counts, I think, because it's really high up. I.. am still just 25 pounds down.. another 15 to go to reach my 40 pound goal. I do not yet have my license. I don't think I've read a book since I made this list. I certainly cannot jog. I cannot make cheesecake. I have more debt than a 21 yr old who dropped out of college should have. I CAN snowboard! Awesome. Also I road-tripped to Lake Louise. Which definitely counts.

The last year of my life, despite having achieved like none of my goals, has been amazing. I dropped out of University for a job, lost said job because I became an alcoholic, moved out of my mother's house, took up hard drugs, climbed a mountain, and made some of the greatest friends I've ever had. I'm working on a new career direction (fuck University, I'mma be a chef, motherfuckah.) and am thoroughly enjoying the life that comes with it. I may work 6 days a week and not get off work until 1am, but it's kind of awesome.

I think the point of this blog is rapidly (well, maybe not rapidly, considering I post like, once a year) becoming this: every day is like the next step. Life is full of next steps. Some days it seems like just getting out of bed is enough work to be the next step. But everyday that you get up and face the world and keep moving on with your life is.. well, the next step.

So here's to the next step: Tomorrow. Hang on kids, it may be a wild ride.

Oops

2010-05-06T01:04:00.002-06:00

I'm not the best at keeping up with blogs. I always want to be better at it, but I pretty much just tell people things about my life on a day-to-day basis. It is, however, a good way to empty out your thoughts.

We're now in May. Over halfway to my 21st birthday from when I set my goals. Lets recap, shall we?

1. Get in to University
2. Finish a song. Like complete.. music, lyrics, everything.
3. Go Skydiving/bungee jumping
4. Lose 40 pounds
5. Get my License
6. Read a book a week. I miss reading.
7. Get to the point when I can just go jogging
8. Learn to make cheesecake
9. Pay off my credit cards
10. Learn to snowboard
11. Learn to play guitar (in a non-failtastic way)
12. Go on a road trip.

Soooo.
I definitely got in (and almost kicked back out, but that's not important) to University. It's not fantastic. The studying and the classes and everything... I'm just not disciplined enough for this shit. Sigh.

I have not even come close to working on a new song, or completing any of my old ones. Perhaps I should edit some of these goals?

I think I will go bungee jumping one of the weeks I'm home from work. Just at the mall. It definitely counts.

Lose 40 pounds. I am at 25 pounds! This is the goal I've been focusing on the most, I think. I have a personal trainer. His name is Brad. It's good times.

Get my license. I drive almost every day.. practicing up for when I can take the test (early October). People keep telling me to take driver's training... but it's freakin expensive!! We'll see.

Read a book a week? It's been... exactly 28 weeks since I made this goal.. and I have read... 9 books. Clearly it's going well. Granted, it's hard to read during the school year. I couldn't keep up with my in-class reading, let alone reading for fun. However, if I can read 43 (holy crap) more books by my birthday, I will average it out to a book a week.

Jogging? Working on it.

Cheesecake? YOU CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT AND EAT CHEESECAKE. Sigh. I think I'll be changing that goal.

Pay off my credit cards... almost!

Snowboard? Check!
Guitar? Notsocheck!
Roadtrip? July!

See? I'm bored before the end of this post. I never was good at these things.

MY LIFE IS BORING.
GET OVER IT.

Excessive Blogging

2010-01-11T21:47:00.002-07:00

My Wii Fit trainer didn't show up today. No joke. This virtual man showed up on my screen and said "I hope you don't mind, I'll be filling in for your usual trainer today." I was dumbfounded. I dunno why. Probably because my virtual trainer called in sick? I went back into the menu and got my regular trainer back, but it seemed so... odd.

I've been watching The L Word excessively. I'm in love with it. You know when you relate deeply to a character? I think I relate the most to Alice. She's this spunky blonde that falls for all these girls and always ends up with her heart broken. Also, she's addicted to love. I think I'm a little addicted. To love, that is. Anyways, yes. I always find that relating to a new character helps me find out more about myself.. how we relate and how we differ. Its good. Very good.

My legs are sore. It makes me happy. Happy happy happy.

I'm not really into the whole... studying.. groove yet. I need to study for my Psych test on Wednesday, write an English paper for Wednesday, and review a chapter in Calculus for tomorrow. I was never very good at studying/homework. I definitely need to get into this. Rawr.

RAWR.

Adjusting

2010-01-11T09:14:00.002-07:00

Monday mornings generally suck. I was early for my class (I thought it was at 9, so I showed up at 8:45.. turns out its at 9:30), so I'm sitting in the hall with my laptop staring out the window at downtown. It's been fairly easy to adjust to school. I thought it would be a lot more difficult. I still triple-check what rooms I'm in every day, for fear of committing the social faux pas of wandering into the wrong classroom and having to get up and leave when you realize hey, I'm not in Sociology 314. (No, that didn't happen, I'm just speculating).

Downtown is very grey. I'm sure the windows are tinted a little, but still. The buildings are grey. The sky, cloudy and ominous, and not looking like the promised 7 and sunny, is grey. The streets, the dead trees...its all... Grey. It's kind of depressing, but at the same time fits. Like the world is waking up.

...Yeah, I'm weird. And now I must get off to class.

Goals and what not.

2010-01-09T14:33:00.002-07:00

Been gone a while - had some rough times, didn't feel like blogging.

However I have returned, mostly because I miss writing, and want to keep sharp for this new English class I'm in. We do these writing exercises where you have 5 minutes to write on a topic. Then, your writing gets PASSED ON to OTHER STUDENTS, and they get to comment on it.. Not on the spelling or grammar or anything, just on your thoughts. Insanity.

You may have noticed that I mentioned my English class. That's right, I have completed Goal #1 on my list of things to do before I turn 21. I got in to University. Huzzah! It's interesting. I lack friends at the moment, but I might meet some.. Hopefully. I need to get better at initiating conversations. I wonder if they have a class for that. Oi. Sitting next to people would probably also help. Although it's not ENTIRELY my fault that I sit alone in my classes. Often, I come in and sit down and no one sits next to me. I cannot just move to sit next to someone after the class starts, as that would be odd.

How am I doing on my other goals, you may ask. Well, lets see. I'm working out everyday. I'm only down like 2 pounds, but its something! I'm excited, plus I'm totally enjoying it. I have paid off 2 of my 3 credit cards (I should look in the bank and see if I have enough to pay off the 3rd). I'm also learning to jog via Wii fit. Which is very exciting..... and also REALLY painful. My calves were just burning last night. Ah well.

I definitely have not been reading a book a week. Though I really have no excuse. I have 3 hours of breaks a day at school now. I could be reading then, although I tend to do my homework then, in which case, I could be reading at home. I'm not though. I watch a lot of TV lately. Probably because it stops me from thinking so much.

I told Arielle I can't see her anymore (friend-wise). It was brutally hard, and I have this like, pit of despair in my stomach when I think about it. I miss her. But, as Jen keeps reminding me, the long term pain from her is not worth the short term happiness of seeing her.

Ugh.

So, that's my life. I made a resolution this year. I never do; or I resolve not to make any stupid resolutions I can't keep. This one is good though. I have resolved to take better care of myself. Emotionally and Physically. I'm working on both, and I feel pretty good. I'm cutting out people and things that are just not good for me. Which also includes smoking. Its driving me crazy, I want a smoke. But I haven't had one since... Okay, well, Wednesday. But that's something.

Rawr.

Mmmm...

2009-11-17T22:27:00.002-07:00

I am far too much of a fan of alcohol.
Not saying I'm an alcoholic or anything. Just that I REALLY love some alcohol. Just sitting down with a Gibsons and diet. The Gibsons I got for my birthday. Aged 18 years.. it's a numbered bottle. And it's goddamn AMAZING.

...that's all I have to say today.

Saturday

2009-11-14T15:45:00.002-07:00

I feel sorry for people who aren't only children, I think. My mother had like, 5 sisters growing up. And now when Saturday rolls around, she cannot entertain herself. At all. She hates days off, 'cause she gets bored. I don't understand.

I mean, yeah, I get bored. But I am capable of entertaining myself 98% of the time. My mother needs like, activities. She's like, a 4 year old sometimes. It drives me crazy, 'cause she's looking at me like I should be entertaining her. /things that are not my job.

I am perfectly happy right now, sitting in my pjs, writing. I've read three anna half books in the past 48 hours. Watched movies, written, watched tv, walked the dog, got in a fight.. yeah, I'm pretty entertained. And it didn't cost me anything. God, parents. They think everything costs money to have fun. What happened to the days when We could just play a board game and talk to each other. I hope you see the hilarious irony in what I am saying. Because it is hilarious, and ironic.

She keeps pestering me. Goddamn. I miss living on my own. I would almost take back my old job and get rid of my dog to live on my own again. Except that I'm really excited for school. I sent my requests for my transcripts in. I am excited. Although if I don't get in.. I will probably die, because I'll essentially be back where I was.. working full time and living with my mother. Which is severely uncool.

Severely uncool, I say.

So Far, So Good

2009-11-13T12:19:00.002-07:00

So, it only took me about 2.5 hours to read the first Harry Potter.
Clearly going to be more than one book a week. I'm excited for this. When I finally sit down with a book, I love it. It's just the actual sitting down with the book process.

Re-made my account on fitday.com I'm not going to be one of those people that counts every calorie, but I'm interested to see what I'm eating - and this makes me think about it more. I like it.

Faxed my request for my high school transcript from BC yesterday. Marian says I should get my AB one sent in too. Might as well, I guess. The deadline is like, December 1st. So I don't wanna have them get the BC one and then have no time to send in the AB one if they require it. Right?

Right.

Cleaned up the backyard, played with Sirus. He's flippin' cute. So are my cats. Rogue was cuddled up with me while I was reading last night. Made my life.

I've also started writing again. Just to get in the habit of writing. I guess that's kinda what this blog is about too.

Meh.

=)

21

2009-11-12T13:56:00.002-07:00

So, I just turned 20.
That's pretty badass. I never pictured being this old. I dunno why, but hey. Not complaining.

I feel more compelled to make goals at this point in my life than I do at new years. New years becomes 'I vow not to make any stupid new years resolutions.' because they just never work.

However, getting older is a different thing. There's so many things I wanna do. And thus, I am making a list. 10 things I wanna do before I turn 21.

Here we go:

1. Get in to University
2. Finish a song. Like complete.. music, lyrics, everything.
3. Go Skydiving/bungee jumping
4. Lose 40 pounds
5. Get my License
6. Read a book a week. I miss reading.
7. Get to the point when I can just go jogging
8. Learn to make cheesecake
9. Pay off my credit cards
10. Learn to snowboard
11. Learn to play guitar (in a non-failtastic way)
12. Go on a road trip.

Okay, so that's 12. But I figured, one for each month until I'm 21. And some of them are like, over time things, and some are just.. events. Therefore, it's do-able, right?

Right.

So, this week. I shall read... the first Harry Potter. I've been wanting to re-read them for a while. Granted, this will not take me a week to read. But.. at least a book a week? Yes.

I don't know

2009-11-07T19:03:00.009-07:00

I spent 5 hours today cleaning my old apartment. But it's spotless. And empty. Kinda depressing, really. Like it's all over. My independence. I drove the car into the parking lot of my own apartment for the last time. It was a very momentous occasion, or so it felt.

Actually, driving today felt rather momentous. I could feel every time the gears in the car switched, the rev of the engine, the click of the signal lights.. I felt it all. It was awesome. I wish I had been high, it probably would have been twice as epic feeling.

I have never related more to a character than I do to the single chick in this episode on tv. Everyone else is dating and she is watching people make out. Awkward. Not that I frequently watch people make out.. nor are all my friends dating/with someone. I dunno. Why is my life so sans romance? I hate it.

I think if I'm not making out with anyone, no one else should get to either. Not even the people on tv. Just sayin. Also I just realized that the song playing right now is called 'You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This.' Clearly my itunes is against me.

Thursday

2009-11-05T15:33:00.003-07:00

The dog is being a pain today. Understandable, as I have not had time to take him for a walk yet.

Today is November 5th. Guy Fawkes Day. I wish there was a celebration in Edmonton for it. He was this guy, back in the day, that tried to blow up parliament in London. and they made a movie about a guy that does it again, but actually succeeds (V for Vendetta). So, I got up, watched V for Vendetta with the animals, and played guitar. Nice and relaxing.

Then, I went to shower, and the hose from the back of the tank came loose and water sprayed EVERYWHERE. I was concerned, because I thought the tank was broken or something. But I fixed it. And then I cleaned the bathroom. And then I worked out. But my abs are dead. I could only do like, half my normal amount. It was sad, and yet awesome, all at once.

So, the dog is sleeping on the floor, and I'm waiting for my mother to come home so I can shower, or else I'll have to put him in his kennel. Because he'll eat the house. Seriously.

Anyway. November 5th. Remember it.

Day Three

2009-11-04T14:16:00.002-07:00

Once I start working out, I crave it. It's good.

I haaaate living with my mother. I cannot wait to move out again. The whole point of us moving in together was for me to not have to pay for things while I am in school. Seriously. She was gonna pay rent and food and whatever.. and I was gonna focus on school. Yesterday she's all "I can't pay for this place by myself y'know" and I was like "uh. wtf." I'm so annoyed. She cannot just.. go back on that. I can't work while going to school. I know me. I'll work in every spare minute of my life, and never get any schoolwork done, and then I'll fail.

I refuse to fail University. I am determined. And such.

I must now go do the dishes, or she'll bitch at me all night.

120 crunches, 45 weird reverse crunches (which I felt in my back, and am hoping that will build some muscle there to strengthen my back and kill my back pain) and the 45 minute walk.

Moving On

2009-11-03T16:23:00.001-07:00

I find it hard to continue with previous blogs when my life has changed so much from things that go on in the posts. As a result, I have many blogs. Hopefully this one will keep me a little more focused now that I lack a job. That's right, I have finally quit my job. I've hated it for months, and while I will miss the people there, I feel 200 times better now that I'm not stressing out about things there.

So this is tothenextstep. I got the idea when I was thinking about moving forward, and a scene in one of my favourite movies (American Pie). If you haven't caught the reference by now, please go watch the movie. For shame.

This is Day Two of my unemployment. It's been a good week thus far. Yesterday, I went to audit my friend's Abnormal Psychology class. It has led me to believe that when I take Psych, I will spend four years going 'oh my god, I HAVE THAT.' I think that we all have these symptoms though, it's just... seeing how intense they are, or how much they affect your life, which leads you to actually have this disease. But I'll leave my theories to a later date, when I've actually taken some classes. The point is, I'm excited.

After the class, we headed to this bar at the top of (possibly SUB?) a building.. Had rum n coke and nachos at 11am (I do so love being unemployed) and stared at the view. It's amazing. When I finally get to the U, I will be spending a lot of time there. Not for the bar. (Well, maybe for the bar.) But mostly for the view. Edmonton is amazing. Absolutely amazing. It's easy to forget this when you're ground level, amongst the smog and cars and assholes.

We talked a lot.. a good two hours, really. About life and sex and coming out and.. all the things I've never gotten to talk to anyone about before, because I don't know many gay/bi people. The few I know, I could talk to them about, but it's never really come up, y'know?

I miss having deep or life-related conversations. I don't get to do it very often anymore, and it definitely makes my day. Although it gives me a lot to think about for the next few days.

Today, I applied for the Bachelor of Science program at Grant Mac Ewan. I'm a little nervous, I won't lie. Who's to say I'll even get in. But I wouldn't be surprised if I do.. not because I have excellent grades or anything - Just that my life tends to take random turns and runs with it. Moving to BC. The job at APS. Moving out. Moving back in. Quitting. It just.. all happens so fast. Not that I have a problem with that; it keeps me on my feet. I get bored doing one thing for too long, I guess.

I also started working out again. I've made some decisions, since I can't really do anything until I know if I get accepted, I will be working out again (I have all the time in the world.. if I didn't, I'd be a little annoyed with myself.) as well as working on my guitar and training my puppy more. He's a genius, it won't be hard.

So, today, as a start - 150 crunches, like, 8 push-ups, and about 5 minutes jumping rope... plus me and the boy's usual 45 minute walk, which we will be taking after I shower. For shame, self. How did I let this happen?

Here's to the next step.