Motivation

Sometimes there's a desire to move on or change the way things are, but there's no motivation. I am currently at that point. I have the desire to start working out again, to stop drinking so much, to quit smoking.. but I have no motivation. I have a list of reasons why each of these things are important to my life, but apparently the reasons are not as compelling as the being lazy, being drunk, or nicotine. I actually don't really want to give up drinking. I just want to be a more productive person and spend less money.

So, I'm searching for motivation. Motivation to change the things I dislike about myself.

Wish me luck.

Hmm.

So, today I was checking out my Blogger profile after deciding to follow a friend's new blog. I completely forgot about this blog. (I have ADD, I swear.)

I'm almost 22. I looked at the list of goals I made to complete before I turned 21 and I laughed.

1. Get in to University
2. Finish a song. Like complete.. music, lyrics, everything.
3. Go Skydiving/bungee jumping
4. Lose 40 pounds
5. Get my License
6. Read a book a week. I miss reading.
7. Get to the point when I can just go jogging
8. Learn to make cheesecake
9. Pay off my credit cards
10. Learn to snowboard
11. Learn to play guitar (in a non-failtastic way)
12. Go on a road trip.

Let's see. I'm now almost 22.. I've dropped out of University, I've given up writing in exchange for drinking. I haven't gone skydiving, although I climbed a mountain, which sort of counts, I think, because it's really high up. I.. am still just 25 pounds down.. another 15 to go to reach my 40 pound goal. I do not yet have my license. I don't think I've read a book since I made this list. I certainly cannot jog. I cannot make cheesecake. I have more debt than a 21 yr old who dropped out of college should have. I CAN snowboard! Awesome. Also I road-tripped to Lake Louise. Which definitely counts.

The last year of my life, despite having achieved like none of my goals, has been amazing. I dropped out of University for a job, lost said job because I became an alcoholic, moved out of my mother's house, took up hard drugs, climbed a mountain, and made some of the greatest friends I've ever had. I'm working on a new career direction (fuck University, I'mma be a chef, motherfuckah.) and am thoroughly enjoying the life that comes with it. I may work 6 days a week and not get off work until 1am, but it's kind of awesome.

I think the point of this blog is rapidly (well, maybe not rapidly, considering I post like, once a year) becoming this: every day is like the next step. Life is full of next steps. Some days it seems like just getting out of bed is enough work to be the next step. But everyday that you get up and face the world and keep moving on with your life is.. well, the next step.

So here's to the next step: Tomorrow. Hang on kids, it may be a wild ride.

Oops

I'm not the best at keeping up with blogs. I always want to be better at it, but I pretty much just tell people things about my life on a day-to-day basis. It is, however, a good way to empty out your thoughts.

We're now in May. Over halfway to my 21st birthday from when I set my goals. Lets recap, shall we?

1. Get in to University
2. Finish a song. Like complete.. music, lyrics, everything.
3. Go Skydiving/bungee jumping
4. Lose 40 pounds
5. Get my License
6. Read a book a week. I miss reading.
7. Get to the point when I can just go jogging
8. Learn to make cheesecake
9. Pay off my credit cards
10. Learn to snowboard
11. Learn to play guitar (in a non-failtastic way)
12. Go on a road trip.

Soooo.
I definitely got in (and almost kicked back out, but that's not important) to University. It's not fantastic. The studying and the classes and everything... I'm just not disciplined enough for this shit. Sigh.

I have not even come close to working on a new song, or completing any of my old ones. Perhaps I should edit some of these goals?

I think I will go bungee jumping one of the weeks I'm home from work. Just at the mall. It definitely counts.

Lose 40 pounds. I am at 25 pounds! This is the goal I've been focusing on the most, I think. I have a personal trainer. His name is Brad. It's good times.

Get my license. I drive almost every day.. practicing up for when I can take the test (early October). People keep telling me to take driver's training... but it's freakin expensive!! We'll see.

Read a book a week? It's been... exactly 28 weeks since I made this goal.. and I have read... 9 books. Clearly it's going well. Granted, it's hard to read during the school year. I couldn't keep up with my in-class reading, let alone reading for fun. However, if I can read 43 (holy crap) more books by my birthday, I will average it out to a book a week.

Jogging? Working on it.

Cheesecake? YOU CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT AND EAT CHEESECAKE. Sigh. I think I'll be changing that goal.

Pay off my credit cards... almost!

Snowboard? Check!
Guitar? Notsocheck!
Roadtrip? July!

See? I'm bored before the end of this post. I never was good at these things.

MY LIFE IS BORING.
GET OVER IT.

Excessive Blogging

My Wii Fit trainer didn't show up today. No joke. This virtual man showed up on my screen and said "I hope you don't mind, I'll be filling in for your usual trainer today." I was dumbfounded. I dunno why. Probably because my virtual trainer called in sick? I went back into the menu and got my regular trainer back, but it seemed so... odd.

I've been watching The L Word excessively. I'm in love with it. You know when you relate deeply to a character? I think I relate the most to Alice. She's this spunky blonde that falls for all these girls and always ends up with her heart broken. Also, she's addicted to love. I think I'm a little addicted. To love, that is. Anyways, yes. I always find that relating to a new character helps me find out more about myself.. how we relate and how we differ. Its good. Very good.

My legs are sore. It makes me happy. Happy happy happy.

I'm not really into the whole... studying.. groove yet. I need to study for my Psych test on Wednesday, write an English paper for Wednesday, and review a chapter in Calculus for tomorrow. I was never very good at studying/homework. I definitely need to get into this. Rawr.

RAWR.

Adjusting

Monday mornings generally suck. I was early for my class (I thought it was at 9, so I showed up at 8:45.. turns out its at 9:30), so I'm sitting in the hall with my laptop staring out the window at downtown. It's been fairly easy to adjust to school. I thought it would be a lot more difficult. I still triple-check what rooms I'm in every day, for fear of committing the social faux pas of wandering into the wrong classroom and having to get up and leave when you realize hey, I'm not in Sociology 314. (No, that didn't happen, I'm just speculating).

Downtown is very grey. I'm sure the windows are tinted a little, but still. The buildings are grey. The sky, cloudy and ominous, and not looking like the promised 7 and sunny, is grey. The streets, the dead trees...its all... Grey. It's kind of depressing, but at the same time fits. Like the world is waking up.

...Yeah, I'm weird. And now I must get off to class.

Goals and what not.

Been gone a while - had some rough times, didn't feel like blogging.

However I have returned, mostly because I miss writing, and want to keep sharp for this new English class I'm in. We do these writing exercises where you have 5 minutes to write on a topic. Then, your writing gets PASSED ON to OTHER STUDENTS, and they get to comment on it.. Not on the spelling or grammar or anything, just on your thoughts. Insanity.

You may have noticed that I mentioned my English class. That's right, I have completed Goal #1 on my list of things to do before I turn 21. I got in to University. Huzzah! It's interesting. I lack friends at the moment, but I might meet some.. Hopefully. I need to get better at initiating conversations. I wonder if they have a class for that. Oi. Sitting next to people would probably also help. Although it's not ENTIRELY my fault that I sit alone in my classes. Often, I come in and sit down and no one sits next to me. I cannot just move to sit next to someone after the class starts, as that would be odd.

How am I doing on my other goals, you may ask. Well, lets see. I'm working out everyday. I'm only down like 2 pounds, but its something! I'm excited, plus I'm totally enjoying it. I have paid off 2 of my 3 credit cards (I should look in the bank and see if I have enough to pay off the 3rd). I'm also learning to jog via Wii fit. Which is very exciting..... and also REALLY painful. My calves were just burning last night. Ah well.

I definitely have not been reading a book a week. Though I really have no excuse. I have 3 hours of breaks a day at school now. I could be reading then, although I tend to do my homework then, in which case, I could be reading at home. I'm not though. I watch a lot of TV lately. Probably because it stops me from thinking so much.

I told Arielle I can't see her anymore (friend-wise). It was brutally hard, and I have this like, pit of despair in my stomach when I think about it. I miss her. But, as Jen keeps reminding me, the long term pain from her is not worth the short term happiness of seeing her.

Ugh.

So, that's my life. I made a resolution this year. I never do; or I resolve not to make any stupid resolutions I can't keep. This one is good though. I have resolved to take better care of myself. Emotionally and Physically. I'm working on both, and I feel pretty good. I'm cutting out people and things that are just not good for me. Which also includes smoking. Its driving me crazy, I want a smoke. But I haven't had one since... Okay, well, Wednesday. But that's something.

Rawr.

Mmmm...

I am far too much of a fan of alcohol.
Not saying I'm an alcoholic or anything. Just that I REALLY love some alcohol. Just sitting down with a Gibsons and diet. The Gibsons I got for my birthday. Aged 18 years.. it's a numbered bottle. And it's goddamn AMAZING.



...that's all I have to say today.